“This is not how life should be!”

It had been a long, hard day. I went and sat on the sofa and thought to myself, “This is not how life should be!”

The whole day had felt like a big mess. I had become upset and unhappy about almost everything that happened during the day. A wave of unrest washed over me whenever I was unable to keep the house, garden, car and children spotlessly clean. When anything went differently to what I had planned for the day, things just became incredibly dark and depressing for me. I tried to fight against everything that rose up from my flesh, but it was just too difficult and too overwhelming. I realised that the way things were going with me was not how it should be for someone who is a wholehearted disciple of Jesus Christ.

Desperation

I imagined how it would be to stand in front of Jesus, and how it would feel if I had to meet Him right now. Suddenly, it became clear that my eyes had only been focused on earthly things. As a result, it had been impossible to fight against all the unrest that rose up within me when things didn’t go my way.

Despite this realization, I didn’t know where to start to find my way out of the mess I was in. I didn’t know what I should give up or how I could change. It had come to a point where I was clinging so strongly to all the earthly things that I had almost no prayer life with God. He was not able to speak to me anymore. Nevertheless, out of desperation, I bowed my head as I sat there and asked God what I should do to come out of this dark whirlpool that I felt had sucked me in.

A life-changing experience

Sometime later, our young son had a very serious accident. The doctors had to keep him in a coma for quite a few days. The only thing I could do was wait. In such a time of shock, all earthly things suddenly had zero value.

I remember sitting alone in one of the hospital rooms, and in my despair I finally turned to God. That was when He was able to start speaking to me. I suddenly felt that I had a very open connection to God in which I could hear much more clearly what He had to say to me. The whole time that I sat there in the hospital, I was in a constant conversation with God. He could point out things I had to cleanse myself from and things that I needed to let go of. He was able to give me light about things that I never would have received light about under normal circumstances, because my mind had been so fixed on a bunch of earthly things and situations.

During this time, I came into a very close relationship with God and I was able to make much faster progress on the new and living way through the flesh. As time went by and things returned to “normal,” I made a very conscious decision to fight with all my might to keep the connection I had received with God wide open. Without this open connection, I knew I would become slow to hear what He has to say and the earthly things and situations would start to take over my mind again.

Our boy had to have a few operations after the accident and he still needs a few more, but he is a very happy, lively boy who is not afraid of doctors and hospitals. Throughout this episode, I personally never felt that things were too difficult or that God had left me. He has been with me through everything, helping and strengthening my faith by taking care of everything, even to the finest detail. I will stay close to Him in all things. That is how life should be!